


cogitation

by Karatachi



Category: Naruto
Genre: Death, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, POV First Person, Soulmates, rushed sex scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:06:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 10,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27844954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karatachi/pseuds/Karatachi
Summary: It's a terrible thing to finally realize you're in love when your soulmate is dying.
Relationships: Hyuuga Neji/Nara Shikamaru
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first, and probably only, time writing a first-person pov so it is what it is.

The heavy sweat drips off my tan face, hitting the pavement below me. The sound was astronomical compared to the silence that currently occupied the mountain top. Neji got impaled. He's dying and there's nothing I can do about it. The love of my life is taking his last breath right in front of me and I never even got the chance to tell him how I really feel. 

_It's a terrible thing to finally realize you're in love when your soulmate is dying._

__It seems like just last week, I introduced myself to the Hyuga member. Time seemed to fly by when I was around Neji, much to my displeasure. I'd willingly spend 24/7 with him if I was allowed and right now I really wish I did. It seems like I didn't nearly spend enough time with the boy when I had the chance in the last year._ _

__Well, it was exactly six months and 3 days ago. Our first interaction is still clear as day._ _

__Asuma dismissed us from training, Choji, and Ino going their separate ways. I stayed seated. I was on a mission, so to speak. I was finally gonna corner Neji and have a real conversation with him. Or any conversation at all. I've never even spoken to the other boy despite having so many mutual friends or acquaintances. But I wanted him. No denying that. I'm not blind. Neji was prettier than most girls in this village. I was always shocked that so many girls went after Sasuke when Neji was right there. But I always figured that since he was a year older, older girls flocked after him instead of girls like Ino or Sakura._ _

__I never thought or even assumed I was gay or liked boys. I just thought I was a late bloomer when it came to girls. When Naruto was obsessing over Sakura or when Kiba tried to get with Ino, I just thought it was pathetic. I never saw myself as the type to have romantic or sexual feelings for anyone, until a week prior._ _

__It was a Monday morning when I woke up with dried cum on my sheets and a rated r dream in my head about a certain long-haired pretty boy that I've never even talked to. Since then, I couldn't get him out of my head. Not only did I imagine Neji bending me in all different angles, but I also imagined all that lame romantic cheesy shit. Like watching movies and cuddling or going on dates. I was shocked and didn't believe it at first. All these random feelings could literally come from one dream that I had no control over._ _

__I knew I needed to talk to Neji, to ease my thoughts and either get the ideas out of my head or start a friendship and possibly even more. Either way, I was getting pretty sick of jerking off to the thought of him._ _

__Almost right on cue, Neji walked past the field, TenTen following close behind. He always looked prettier than how I see him in my head. I could stare at him all day easily. He had a scowl on his face and I almost changed my mind about talking to him. Thank God I didn't though._ _

__I quickly got off the ground, half jogging over to the boy. He was fast-paced walking and he looked like he was trying to ditch the smiling girl who didn't seem to take the hint._ _

__"Hey," I exclaimed, trying not to seem too excited. I was very excited though. I was also slightly nervous. From what I heard, Neji was an asshole and he's not in a good mood so those don't mix well. I could be an asshole too though if it had to come to that._ _

__Neji and TenTen didn't even stop or look in my direction so I repeated myself, a little louder. Neji stopped and turned to face me, TenTen almost running into the boy._ _

__I finally caught up with them, shooting the girl a glance before sidestepping her to get to Neji._ _

__"Yes?" Neji asked, scrunching his face. God, he really was pretty. That was the first time I've ever been that close to him and his features are so much more prominent up close._ _

__"I would like to talk to you." The first sentence I ever said to Neji and it was lame. What a drag. TenTen was still standing there and I just wanted her to go away. Neji must have read my thoughts because he quickly dismissed the girl, much to her dismay._ _

__I watched the girl walk away, not wanting anyone to be around us just in case I embarrassed myself in the next couple of minutes._ _

__"Well, talk." Neji snapped, turning my attention back to him._ _

__"I'm Shikamaru." I was not on a roll when it came to smooth conversations that day. Neji already knew my name. Why would I introduce myself to him? Neji snorted and I wasn't sure if he was making fun of me or what. It still made me blush either way. This wasn't going how I planned it in my head so many times. By now, he should have already had me on my hands and knees._ _

__" _Shikamaru. _I'm Neji." I was surprised he even introduced himself back or spoke to me at all. It took me a whole week to render up the courage to talk to the boy but introducing myself must have used it all up. Because before either of us said another thing, I turned on my heel and walked away. No nod or acknowledgment that he said something. I just turned and walked away like a little bitch.___ _


	2. Chapter 2

It was about a week after I talked to Neji for the first time and I wanted, no, I _needed _more of an interaction. I thought that talking to him would ease my mind and put it to rest but it's only gotten worse. My imagination has gotten more vivid. I've been up close to him now. I now knew how he laughed and how his tone changed almost after every sentence. I now knew how he says my name. That was a big one for me. I could practically hear him moaning out my name as I thrust into him. Yeah, my imagination has definitely not let up. Not even close.__

__I waited and waited after practice to see if he would walk by but after the third practice, I decided to go find him myself. I just hoped he wasn't home by now. I was impatient and I was craving more attention. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I've never wanted anyone to pay attention to me as much I wished Neji would._ _

__I walked through the busy town, dodging the running children and busy adults chasing after them. I wish people watched their kids better._ _

__After walking for twenty minutes and basically having eyes in the back of my head, I spotted Neji. He was sitting at Ichiraku Ramen. I couldn't see his face but I could recognize the back of his head from anywhere. His long hair was flowing down his back, a hair tie at the end, holding it together. Naruto was sitting beside him and I didn't know if they were there together or if it was just a weird coincidence but I was going to use it to my advantage. I couldn't imagine a reason that they'd be together but they were definitely talking to each other. I could hear Naruto from all the way back at Ino's flower shop._ _

__I walked towards the two, my palms suddenly going sweaty. If I wanted to chicken out, I could always just ignore Neji. But that would mean I'd have to actually make conversation with Naruto. I don't think I could do that. Naruto is cool but talking to him for more than five minutes is such a drag._ _

__"Shikamaru." Naruto practically screeched when he spotted me, a smile on his face, but I was glad I didn't have to make conversation first. It would have looked suspicious if I approached the boy to talk, seeing as how I never really do that, to begin with. I doubt Neji even paid attention to anything I ever did or didn't do though._ _

__Naruto waved me over and I happily complied, trying my best to not gawk at Neji on my way. He was staring at me and my nerves were getting riled up again. Naruto turned around in his seat to face me but Neji just turned his body. He just had a cold stare on his face. It made my legs feel like jelly._ _

__"Hey, Naruto" I stand between them as Naruto greets me back. I nod, turning my attention to who I really wanted._ _

__"Hey, Neji." I wanted to at least acknowledge him. It would've been rude if I didn't. I'm glad Naruto called me over because I didn't actually have a plan of when to greet Neji._ _

__"Hi," Neji says, quickly, fidgetting with his hands. I thought I interrupted an important conversation with how nervous he seemed. I fully expected him to shush me away. I didn't know where the emotion came from because he wasn't like that before I said something but later on, I did learn that Neji is very good at hiding his emotions._ _

__"Where are you going?" Naruto asks, making me grimace. Shit, where am I going? Oh, you know, just anywhere were Neji was. Totally an acceptable thing to say when the guy you were hunting for is right in front of you._ _

__"Oh. Just walking around. Being home is such a drag." I say, eyeing Neji. He wasn't eating anything but Naruto had a bowl in front of him so something tells me Naruto stopped the older boy the same way he did me._ _

__"Oh well, I'd say to join us but Neji was just about to head out so I was gonna too," Naruto said, rubbing the back of his head. Dammit, if I was any later, I could have met Neji when he was walking home alone. I wouldn't have had the guts to talk to him though. So in a sense, I kind of owed Naruto. I made a promise to buy him ramen later in the week._ _

__"Oh, well that's too bad," I responded before I got a really good idea. Part of me didn't wanna say it out loud but the other part practically pushed me into saying it._ _

__"Hey, Neji. Maybe we could walk home together. I think we pass your home to get to mine." It was very bold of me and yet it didn't come out bold. My voice was feeble and quiet and at first, I thought maybe Neji didn't hear me. The only thing that gave it away was a slight alter in the size of his eyes. They widened slightly before going back to normal._ _

__"Yeah, okay. That would be fine." Neji speaks up and I let out a breath that I didn't even realize I was holding. I hold back a smile as I nod. I'm so scared of rejection from Neji yet that didn't stop my dumbass from saying things that could easily be rejected._ _

__"Alright. I'll see you guys later." I almost forgot Naruto was standing there. I was too focused on Neji._ _

__"Bye, Naruto," I say as Neji gives him a small wave. I watch as he walks away before turning my attention back to my main interest._ _

__"You ready?" I ask, making Neji nod. We head in the other direction from Naruto and I realize just how awkward this conversation for the next ten minutes might be. It was silent for about a minute when I silently cursed myself for wasting time. I have the next ten minutes with Neji Hyuga and I haven't sparked a conversation yet._ _

__"So what was that about?" I asked and instantly regretted it. I didn't want Neji to think I was some nosy fool who wanted all in his business. I just didn't know what else to say._ _

__"Oh, he just wanted some advice about my cousin. Apparently, she has a thing for the annoying child. It's all bullshit." Neji explains and I was intrigued. It was the longest thing Neji has said to me._ _

__"What's bullshit?" I asked, dodging a ball that some little kid must have thrown our way by mistake. I didn't stop to look, I just kept walking._ _

__"Feelings and shit," Neji said, shrugging. I really wanted him to elaborate on that but I didn't wanna push him into saying too much. I didn't want him to snap at me for some reason. Thankfully, he continued himself._ _

__"Like I don't get that dating and love shit. Soulmates don't exist. Half the teenagers in this village claim that their boyfriend or girlfriend is their true love and soulmate yet a month later, they have a new one. It doesn't make any sense." It hurt my heart to hear Neji speak like that, especially because I was almost convinced I had feelings for Neji. Maybe not full-on romantic but I definitely wanted to be with him in some type of way._ _

__"I think you're wrong," I told him, shrugging. Neji stopped suddenly, making me stop and turn towards him. I really assumed I blew it. I should have kept my mouth shut._ _

__"What?" Neji asked. He didn't sound angry or annoyed or anything but he did have a slight scowl on his face. I should have shut up right there and changed the subject but I repeated myself. Neji nods, staring at the ground._ _

__"Maybe," Neji said before continuing the walk home. I do the same, catching up with him quickly._ _

__"Maybe I just haven't found my soulmate yet." Neji defends himself making me hum in confirmation. It was silent the rest of the way back. I hated it. I wanted to keep talking to Neji. This conversation really opened up a whole new category for me when it came to Neji. I liked learning about what he thought or felt. Even if it hurt my feelings a little with that soulmate line. Clearly, I didn't actually believe me and Neji were soul mates. It still hurt for some reason._ _

__"Well, this is it," Neji said as he slowly stopped his walking. I stopped too, nodding as I bit the inside of my cheek._ _

__"Thanks for walking with me. I'll see you sometime soon, Shikamaru." Neji said making me smile. Hearing Neji say my name still made my heart flutter._ _

__"Bye, Neji," I said before continuing my walk. About ten steps past, I turned to face where Neji was, turning back around quickly when Neji and I make eye contact. I thought he would've been walking inside by now. I was so nervous that I thought I saw him smile at me. I knew it had to have just been my lust struck brain. Neji said he'll see me sometime soon, meaning he had full faith that we're going to interact in the next couple of days. I had a smile plastered on my face the whole way home._ _


	3. Chapter 3

I walked out of the academy building, wanting to find Choji so that he could help me with this new Jutsu. I grazed past the field, stopping suddenly when someone said my name. Not just anyone. _Neji. _I knew that voice.__

__I turned around to see the older Hyuga standing there, looking cute as ever._ _

__"Hey, Neji." I greeted him, flashing a smile. He smiled back, practically making my heart melt._ _

__"What are you doing right now?" Neji asks, staring up at me in interest. He wasn't much shorter than me but I didn't care. I liked it. I hated that height difference shit. It's such a drag._ _

__"Oh, I was just heading home," I said shrugging. I didn't want to tell Neji that I was finding Choji. I didn't want Neji knowing I was struggling with a Jutsu. Neji is so strong and smart and I didn't wanna seem weak in front of him._ _

__"Oh," Neji said quietly as he rubbed his arm. It looked like he was struggling to say something. I nod in acknowledgment. I didn't know what to say to that. It's such a conversation killer._ _

__"We can walk home together," Neji said, a matter of factly. It wasn't a question like when I said it yesterday and it definitely didn't come out like mine. Neji's was bold and strong. That's what I liked about Neji. Sometimes he'd be hesitant and shy to ask things but most of the time, he was outspoken and not afraid of anything._ _

__"Yeah, okay, I'd like that," I said, nodding my head softly._ _

__"Good. Let's go." Neji said, grabbing onto my arm. All thoughts of Choji and Jutsu left my head the second his hand touched my skin. It sent chills up my spine and it didn't go unnoticed as we walked. Ino noticed us as we pass her flower shop. She sent me a quick wave before scrunching her face up in confusion when she saw Neji latched onto my arm. And honestly, I didn't blame her one bit._ _

__On the way back home, it was silent but I was content. It was peaceful. Occasionally, I would hear Neji humming from beside me but it would stop after a few seconds, almost like he remembered someone was next to him._ _

__We quickly end up outside of Neji's home and I felt myself want to scream. I wished I talked to him in those couple of minutes. It was peaceful but it didn't exactly move our relationship further. Right then we were acquaintances but I wanted to be friends._ _

__"So, here we are," Neji stated, letting go of my arm. It made me upset all over again. It was good when it lasted though. I didn't expect him to ever grab onto me like that. It was a nice surprise. I was anxious that Ino would probably run her mouth though._ _

__"Yeah, I guess we are," I stated as well, staring up at Neji's house._ _

__"Would you like to come in? No one is home." Neji asked and it really threw me off. Neji wanted _me _to come into his house. My head whips in Neji's direction before I calm myself down a bit. I bounced between my two feet, fumbling with my hands.___ _

____"Uh, yes sure." I wanted to fight my brain for betraying me like that and making me sound like a little bitch. Neji smiled at me before nodding and pulling on my wrist. I followed him up the steps and into the house, the door slamming behind me. He didn't seem bothered by it though because he didn't even look back. He just continued to walk until he led me to another room up the steps. We quietly entered the room which I assumed was his._ _ _ _

____Neji stopped walking and grabbed the door, waiting for me to walk past. When I do, Neji shuts the door, my mind hearing it lock. That was definitely my imagination though. I looked around the room, wondering what Neji surrounds himself with. It was a very basic room and Neji only had basically the essentials but it didn't surprise me. Neji wasn't a very extra person._ _ _ _

____After I finished the scan of his room, I turned to face the older boy who was way closer to me than before. It threw me off slightly but I recovered quickly. The closeness still sent shivers down my spine though. Neji was not even a foot away from me. I absolutely hate to admit it but it made me hard. Clearly not close to fully hard but I still felt the blood stop flowing. Neji wasn't speaking and I knew if he looked down, he'd see the growing bulge in my pants._ _ _ _

____Now is the perfect time to make a move. I'm in Neji's bedroom, home alone with him, and he's about 10 inches away. But on the other end, I've only had three interactions with Neji. Three interactions that replayed in my head at least forty times a day. Technically we've known each other for years but we just never talked so._ _ _ _

____If I don't make a move now, I'll regret it until I actually get another chance. _But _if I do make a move and Neji just fucking smacks me, it'll be such a drag. It's a lose-lose situation. The only winning aspect is if Neji kisses me back which I knew was a 2% chance of happening. I went for it anyway. My dumbass was never good at math.___ _ _ _

______I tucked a piece of hair behind Neji's ear, admiring the boy. I've never once seen Neji more confused than that moment. It made my heart flutter and my stomach even more nauseous than it already was. I was dead set on making a move though and nothing was going to change that. I leaned forward slowly, giving Neji enough time to dodge the kiss or punch me in the face if he wanted to._ _ _ _ _ _

______I always thought all that cheesy shit about 'sparks flying' was bullshit. But the second our lips connected, I felt electricity soar through my body. My palms were sweaty and my stomach dropped but it felt right._ _ _ _ _ _

______As much as I didn't want to, I pulled away, giving Neji the space that he needed. It was an awkward kiss. Just lips smashed against lips but it was substantial. It was my first kiss and I wouldn't change it for anything. I was sure Neji didn't feel the same way because he just stood there, basically frozen in his spot. I didn't know if he was stunned or debating how to react. He just looked at me, wide-eyed._ _ _ _ _ _

______I stared at the boy in hopes that he would say something. It was silent for what felt like hours but couldn't have been longer than a minute. It was starting to make me irrationally angry. I needed him to acknowledge what just happened, whether it was anger, confusion, or hurt. I just wanted him to speak. My heartfelt like it was going to beat out of my chest and it completely shattered when Neji did decide to speak up._ _ _ _ _ _

______"I'm not gay." Those three words broke my heart but I wasn't gonna let Neji see that. He definitely could have fooled me with how he was grabbing on my arm or how close he was to me only two minutes ago. I thought about playing it out as a joke but I decided to try again. I didn't want to leave this place completely heartbroken and Neji didn't push me away when I kissed him so that was a good sign._ _ _ _ _ _

______"Me neither. Think of it as our dirty little secret. No one has to know." I never knew where I got that boldness from but I'm happy I had it. I didn't think I was gay. I definitely wasn't straight though. It hurt to say that. _Our dirty little secret.__ _ _ _ _ _

________Neji stared up at me and my boldness quickly dissolved again. I could never figure out just how he could completely make me cower by just a stare. My anxiety hit me back quickly and I thought I could've easily thrown up right there. I realized that I was digging myself deeper in a hole, especially if Neji doesn't go along with it. If he just decides that I'm some fairy and goes the rest of his days spreading rumors and making fun of me. I could handle anyone else in the village saying shit to me but the idea of having to retaliate against Neji and his criticism made my heart hurt. Neji opened his mouth to speak before shutting it again. He seemed like he was at a loss for words. Neji's nods and finally speaks again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"Okay. Our dirty little secret." It was quiet and he seemed to say it more to himself than to me. Whoever he said it to didn't matter because it was enough confirmation for me to continue. I felt my body basically jump for joy as adrenaline raced through it. I pressed another kiss to his lips, the boy loosening up a little. I knew it probably wasn't the best kiss. It was my first time and he wasn't exactly helping. I didn't exactly know what to do with my hands. I didn't know if I was the dominant one in this theory or not. I know it's cliche but I didn't want to do something that would freak him out into thinking he was the bottom. He made it clear he wasn't gay so I doubted he wanted to be manhandled by another dude._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I grabbed his hands and guided them to my hips, which seemed to hop him out of his trance. He deepened the kiss, pulling me even closer. I felt our groins rub against each other and I gasped low in my throat, the friction feeling really good. I've never had anything other than my right hand touch me like that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________I felt myself being backed up and I suddenly ran into a wall lightly. Neji seemed like a pro at this, the kissing, the movement, the touching. It meant he had a lot of experience when it came to this. It made me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I wanted Neji all to myself. I hated the thought of someone else touching him or kissing him. Neji didn't seem like the type to sleep around and I've never seen him with a girlfriend so I didn't know who he could've been with. But then again, before my dream, I never really paid much attention to the other boy. So he could have easily had a girlfriend without me even realizing it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Neji quickly broke away from the kiss, making me stare at him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"What's wrong?" Neji asks, concern in his eyes. I realized that I must have been so deep in my thought that I stopped kissing him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"Oh. Nothing. I'm sorry I was just thinking." I explained which made Neji take his hands off me and back away. I instantly regretted saying it. I thought I said something wrong or something I shouldn't have said._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"About what?" Neji asked, pulling his loose hair back behind him. I stared at the ground, not sure if I wanted to say. How could I tell a guy, who I specifically told I wasn't gay too, that I was getting mad at the thought of him being with a girl._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"My mom is probably worried I'm not home yet." I lied. And no doubt Neji knew it was a lie. My mom wasn't exactly the most caring about me and everyone realized that. Neji still nodded in confirmation._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"You should probably get home then," Neji said quietly. The back of my mind was screaming at my dumbass to stay and makeout with Neji some more. The front was smarter than that. I nodded as well, staring back at the ground._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"I'll see you around, Shikamaru," Neji said coldly and it hurt. He said _around _instead of _sometime soon, _meaning he had no plans of coming up and talking to me. I was sure he didn't mean it in that sense but it's how I took it._____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________"I'll be waiting," I say before I leave the room, not taking another glance at Neji. I make it out of the house quickly, heading home. It wasn't until later when I was in bed that I realized Neji acted that way because he thought I made up an excuse to get out of his home. I couldn't fall asleep that night._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	4. Chapter 4

The next two weeks after the kissing incident was hell. It seemed like Neji went out of his way to avoid me. Usually, in that time span, I'd see him five times at a minimum. I'd only seen him once though and when I tried to approach him, he turned and walked the other way. It was definitely getting to me. I was grouchy, snappy, and emotional. It was eating me alive and it was noticeable to anyone around me. It seemed like during the two weeks, everyone was suddenly interested in my life and cared about me. It was also the first time Ino brought up Neji to me. 

I was in the back of the classroom by myself, working on a paper when Ino bursts through the door. I stare at the girl as the door slammed against the wall and she rushed over to me. I thought she was going to tell me Choji died or something. 

"Yes?" I asked as she pulled a seat up to the desk I was sitting in.

"I know something happened between you and Neji. I don't know what happened and I'm not going to pry. But you need to go recollect your boyfriend." Ino explained, holding her hands together. I was so love-struck about Ino calling Neji my boyfriend that I almost missed everything else she said. Recollect him?

"What are you talking about?" I asked as I sat up a little. _Something happened with Neji. _It made my heart feel heavy and my stomach sink. Early on, Neji had that effect on me a lot. It continued throughout the year but thankfully it wasn't as bad. I didn't like feeling constantly sick to my stomach.__

__"Neji is practically going on a rampage in the forest and no one can talk him down," Ino said, standing back up. She motioned me to hurry up and left without saying another word. I quickly stood up and exited the room, leaving all my books right there._ _

__Turns out, Ino isn't very fast so I caught up with her quickly. I already knew that though. I trained beside her for years. I ended up in the forest before her by at least three minutes. It was inconvenient because I didn't know where Neji was in the forest but that changed when I walked through it for only about a minute. I took my best guess and assumed Neji would be where the crowd of people was huddled together._ _

__I recognized Naruto in the crowd and approached him. Sure enough, as I walked closer, I saw Neji in the trees, basically throwing a fit. Chopped and broken trees were flying everywhere and they were trashed on the floor. I was surprised people were standing so close. But the people in this village are nosy._ _

__"What's going on?" I asked Naruto, looking around. I balled my hands into my pocket to seem less interested. I didn't want Naruto to know Ino ran and got specifically me. That would be suspicious._ _

__"Neji is going berserk. It's so bizarre. I don't know what happened." Naruto explained looking up the tree. I nodded as I watched Neji._ _

__"I'll talk him down," I said, taking a deep sigh. Naruto called out to tell me not to because it's dangerous but I was already on my way up the tree. I stopped at the start of the tree branch that Neji was currently standing on and watched him from behind, waiting for him to turn around. I didn't want to call out his name and have something thrown at me in surprise._ _

__He finally turned my way and he was clearly taken aback that I was standing there, his eyes going wide in surprise. His hair was sticking to his face and he was breathing heavy. I wondered how long he's been at this. He just stood there and stared for a good minute. I didn't want to be the first person to speak. He approached me finally and I felt myself tense up. Then would have been a perfect time for him to hit me if he wanted. I'm not sure why I was so sure Neji wanted to fight me all the time early on but I was convinced._ _

__Neji stopped walking when he got right in front of me and it was eerily quiet. In the back of my mind, I knew about ten people were below us, not including Naruto and Ino but I didn't care. Right then, I was only focused on us. Neji opened his mouth to speak and I stared at him in hope, anticipating what he'd say. I sighed when he closed his mouth without a word out. What he did next threw me off and if I wasn't so alert, I would have fallen out of the tree. He falls into my chest, whether out of exhaustion or what, I don't know, but I accept it when his arms dangle around the back of my neck. I grabbed onto his waist to try and keep him on his feet._ _

__"Hang on," I told him quickly before jumping down with him still latched on. I landed on my feet as Ino and Naruto rushed over, a confused look on Naruto's face. Neji was still buried into my chest and I wouldn't have been shocked if he fell asleep standing up._ _

__"Take him home," Ino said, before nudging Naruto away. I nodded in confirmation but they were already walking away. I turned to see the crowd staring at us and I suddenly got flustered again. Everyone saw Neji fall onto me and calm down for me. Way to keep it a secret._ _

__I tapped Neji's leg to silently ask him to bring it up and he quickly did, wrapping his legs around my waist. If Neji wasn't just in the middle of a mental breakdown, the position would have made me lust stricken. It was the first time Neji wrapped around me and the first time I ever picked him up._ _

__"What." I snapped at the people before leaving the forest, Neji still gripping onto me._ _

__I made it back to Neji's place probably at record speed, the boy barely weighing me down. I hoped that no one was home again because I really didn't want to deal with all the questions. I also didn't want any Hyuga member attacking me for breaking and entering or something._ _

__I opened the door slowly, not wanting to cause alarm. Hinata was standing there and she was confused at what she was seeing, her expressions changing when she realized Neji wasn't feeling well. I just wanted to sit the boy down, my adrenaline seemingly leaving my body. I just felt tired now._ _

__"What happened?" Hinata asked, a scared expression on her face._ _

__"He's just tired. He drained himself with training." I lied. I didn't want to tell her that he had a freakout, not wanting to worry her. She probably heard about it later anyway._ _

__"Let me show you to his bedroom," Hinata said, quickly rushing through the halls. I already knew where Neji's room was but I was not going to tell Hinata that. I followed her, almost failing to keep up. I wondered if Neji was even sleeping at that point or just faking._ _

__"Here," Hinata says, opening his door for me. I smiled at her before she walked away. I laid Neji down on the bed, making sure not to have his head slam against the bed. I went to walk away but Neji grabbed my wrist, keeping me in place. I turned to the sleepy boy, who was staring at me, his eye basically pleading._ _

__"Stay. Lay with me." Neji demanded softly. I barely heard him but I managed. I nodded, crawling into bed with him. He smiled up at me, making me grin. It was rare to see Neji smile if you weren't really super close to him. It was a pretty smile. I wrapped my arm around him and pulled him close, the older boy basically melting in my arms. It didn't take me long to fall asleep, thoughts of the other boy jumping through my head._ _


	5. Chapter 5

That night when we had laid together for the first time had brought us closer. It jump-started our entire relationship, platonically and sexually, I guess you could say. For the longest time, Neji had only accepted kisses. I was okay with that. I wanted to take things slow and not scare him away, especially when he wasn't even too sure if he liked my gender. After all, I was also figuring out my sexuality. It took me a little while to figure it out but I did catch on quickly after. 

I watched Neji throw his hair in a bun, a hairstyle I've never seen him have before. It looked good on him. It felt really good to know that he was getting comfortable enough around me for that. Yes, it was just a simple bun but I feel like it meant more than that. He was letting me see a piece of him that probably barely anyone else sees. He only keeps his hair one style when he's training or even just hanging around so this was unique for me. It made me feel special in a way. It was also the first time I realized that I was in love with Neji Hyuga. 

"What are you smiling at?" Neji asked, looking at me from across the room. It made me jump from my thoughts. I knew I was staring at him but I didn't know I was _smiling. _I shrugged, playing it off. I couldn't tell him that I was smiling at the way his tongue stuck out between his lips when he was trying to perfect the bun or that I was smiling at how his eyes lit up when he finally got it. I couldn't admit to him that I was smiling because looking at him when my heart skip and my brain turn to mush.__

__"Movie time," Neji stated when he realized my shrug was the only answer he would get. Neji had a smug look on his face as he stuck a DVD in the player. I didn't look to see what DVD he put in but I doubt he did either. The smug look told me all I needed to know. We weren't about to watch a movie. It was just a decoy so that we could make out on the couch for two hours, something that seemed to happen at least twice a week when we were together. I loved it. I didn't find myself needing more. I was content with just making out and going home with an awkward boner that I had to relieve myself. I never felt the need to pressure Neji to go further and he didn't feel that need either._ _

__Neji took a seat on my lap, sprawling out his legs. His one arm wrapped around my shoulder while the other one sat on his lap. I listened as the movie started playing but refused to look away from Neji. His beauty still struck me every time I looked at him._ _

__"You're not paying attention," Neji stated, making me grin. I was paying attention to what actually mattered. And right then, it was Neji's pretty face._ _

__"Neither are you if you knew I was staring." I teased, a small grin on my face. Neji made a face that seemed like he knew he didn't have a response and instead just pressed his face against my shoulder. I reached out to play with his hair before I remembered he kept it up. I didn't like that hairstyle anymore._ _

__I realized Neji was now staring at me with a look I didn't recognize like he was contemplating something. It made me anxious._ _

__"What?" I asked, my voice soft. Neji just smiles softly, before pressing a kiss to my mouth. It was soft and sweet and it was way different than any of the other times we kissed. I liked these kisses better since they were so rare. Like Neji was afraid of letting his real feelings show._ _

__My hand comes up to rest on Neji's lower back, the Hyuga tensing up slightly at the touch. That was something Neji took a while to get used to. He was still hesitant about being touched for the first couple of months._ _

__Neji quickly pulled himself off me, standing up suddenly. It alarmed me for a second before the door flies open, Hanabi standing there. Of course, he saw that shit with his Byakugan._ _

__"Neji-" Hanabi started before realizing her cousin wasn't alone, "Oh, hi, Shikamaru." I wave at the girl, awkwardly, wishing she would just keep walking past the living room. Of course, it never came and instead, she announced her father would be coming home soon. I declined the offer to stay for dinner and instead headed home, regrets of not kissing Neji on the way out clouding my mind all night._ _


	6. Chapter 6

Everything seemed to be going well for me and Neji. As much as he claimed he didn't like boys, he seemed to find any reason to be around me. I wasn't complaining though. I wanted to be around Neji all the time. We'd always spend half the day together just hanging out or playing games and ordering food. I almost tricked myself into seeing it as a real relationship. 

I was on my way to Neji's house when Sakura had stopped me, something about needing to go to the Hokage's office. I found myself bored as I walked there, just wanting to be cuddling Neji. I shoved my hands into my pockets as I made it to the Hokage building. It was always such a drag to be here. 

I entered the office, interested. I really didn't want to go on another mission but I knew that wouldn't be the case when I realized Tsunade wasn't even in her office. It was only Shizune and she didn't even have that little pig with her. 

I walked closer to the desk in curiosity, Shizune sitting on it. Her feet didn't touch the ground the whole way and it was kind of amusing. I still didn't wanna be there though.

"Yes?" I snapped, irritated as I made it in front of her. I wanted to know what was so important that Sakura had to come to get me and waste my time with Neji. 

"Shikamaru. You're growing into such a strong young man." Shizune stated, standing up suddenly. Her words were slurred and she wobbled a little as she stood. It didn't take me long to realize she was drunk. I've seen Tsunade drunk but never her assistant. I was starting to grow impatient. 

"Why was I called in here?" I ask, scowling. Shizune closes the space between us and if I didn't know she was drunk before, I would have now. Her breath reeked of alcohol and I wanted to be anywhere else but there. Especially when she reached out and wrapped her arms around the back of my neck. I felt my blood run cold at the contact and yet I couldn't find myself strong enough to push her away. I thought it disrespectful to do what I wanted to at the moment. I didn't want to hurt the Hokage's assistant.

Instead, I just unlatched her arms, them falling to her sides suddenly. She scowled, shaking her head. I realized pretty quickly why she called me in the office and it was extremely bold on her end. She wasn't usually like this but I assumed that's from the alcohol. 

"Come on, Shikamaru, you're always so stressed all the time. Don't you wanna unwind a little bit. I can be anyone you want me to be." Shizune says as her shadow clone starts to change shapes. I felt my stomach drop when it transformed into Neji, a spotless difference. It almost scared me in a sense that something can copy someone so perfect as Neji. I also didn't know anyone else but Ino knew about our relationship. I knew Ino wasn't the one to go around sharing that information, too dear to me, so maybe I was making it too obvious. 

"I know you've had your eyes on that pretty Hyuga for a while, always staring at him. He could make you feel so good." Shizune stated, just as Shadow Clone Neji approached me this time. The clone wasted no time in dropping to his knees and it made my stomach drop. I knew it wasn't Neji but he looked and sounded like him. It sent hundreds of little thoughts into my head and none of them were appropriate for the public.

"What is going on?" A new voice booms across the office and I knew instantly that it was Neji, the real Neji. No one's voice was as nice as his. It was coming from behind me. The shadow clone suddenly disappears and I turn to the door, quickly. Neji was standing there confused, his face scrunched. I felt my heart race at how I was going to explain the scenario to him. Thankfully he never actually mentioned it and it saved me a lot of embarrassment in the future. I still constantly thought about it though and I knew he did too. 

"Nothing. I was just leaving." I clarified, heading towards him. I never turned to look back at Shizune and I was never able to make eye contact with her ever again, even if she was probably too drunk to remember. I brushed past Neji in a swift motion, the boy looking like he wanted to say something. I never heard what he said though because I was already gone. 

I ran home and threw myself on my bed, trying to ignore the thoughts running through my head at that moment. I couldn't close my eyes without seeing Neji on his knees. I've had plenty of sexual thoughts about him before but this was way different. I know knew how he looked when he was about to give a blowjob and not just something that my mind threw together. That was real and raw. Technically not real but still living in motion. I masturbated in the shower until my wrist hurt. It was a new record for me.


	7. Chapter 7

I would always make fun of Naruto for how he was practically in love with Sakura's hair when we were 12. I didn't know how you could love hair. That was until I ran my hands through Neji's for the first time. It had been about three months since I had 'introduced' myself to Neji and we seemed inseparable.

Neji and I were at his house alone, like many other times before, and this time we were on the couch. I was sitting while Neji laid down, his head on my lap. We had just gotten back from a mission not even an hour prior and I knew Neji was exhausted. His eyes were closed and I thought he was asleep. I wouldn't have blamed him one bit. He really fucked some people up in battle, which also resulted in him getting partially fucked up too. He had a semi-deep cut on his side and a slight bruise on his cheek. I couldn't help but think that the bruise made him look more attractive.

His long beautiful hair flowed down and hung off the couch. I got the sudden urge to play with it. I never knew why I never admired it before. I reached out and lightly ran my finger through the locks, my stomach fluttering when Neji adjusted himself slightly. He turned onto his side so that his face was turned towards me. I tried to not think about how close his face was to my groin. 

His change in position made it easier to mess with his hair now since he wasn't laying on half of it anymore. I took it as an open invitation to keep playing. I dragged my fingers through it, not surprised when it wasn't knotty. It didn't come as a shock that Neji took good care of his hair. He had taken a shower prior to me coming over, the strands dried now. 

Neji snuggled against me, my sweatpant's not doing shit to mask the feeling of his hot breath. It made me nervous. I didn't want to get hard with him that close to my groin. And yet I was a teenage boy going through puberty. Of course, the idea of Neji being that close to me made me hard. I got hard when he just sat on my lap. I got hard just thinking of him. Neji adjusted himself again and I knew he could feel me poking against him. It made me want to die. 

Neji just leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my covered erection. He was such a little shit sometimes. I involuntarily bucked my hips up, Neji gasping at the sudden movement. I would have felt bad if he wasn't the reason it happened. Neji looked up at me through lidded eyes and for the first time, I understood the definition of happiness. All my life was filled with pain and temporary forms of bliss. From my mother's constant nagging to injuries from missions to Asuma's death to my father's death. I never found myself being able to let my guard down. It was different when I was with Neji. There was no threat or danger, only comfort. I liked to think he was the same way with me.

"Don't do that unless you want my dick inside your mouth," I stated, teasing the boy. Neji just grins, his smile apparently contagious. I loved it when he smiled. 

"I always want your dick in my mouth." Neji resorted and it made my stomach drop. I found myself biting my tongue to stop myself from saying some dumb shit. I always liked teasing Neji like that but he usually just laughed, never actually saying anything back. It showed that he was getting bolder and more comfortable with his sexuality. 

That day was the first time Neji and I got further than just a simple hand job and it was also the day I realized I've missed a lot in life. Having a warm mouth around my cock was almost as good as being inside someone, especially when it was Neji's warm mouth. He wasn't very good at oral at first but it didn't take long for him to realize what he was doing and how to get better. He always was a quicker learner. I ended up hitting my orgasm in a mere embarrassing 4 minutes. It was such a drag. I came all over my hand, not wanting to get any on Neji. Well, I _wanted _too, if I had my choice I would have came all over that pretty face of his, but I knew he wouldn't be comfortable with that. It wasn't until later in the _relationship _that he would basically beg for facials or for me to cum inside him. It always got better and better after each time.____


	8. Chapter 8

The first time Neji and I had sex was like heaven. At the time, I thought it was the most awkward embarrassing shit but looking back, it wasn't that bad. Neji was unsurprisingly the bottom and he didn't seem to have any objections to it. It wasn't like anything you see in movies. This was so real and raw.

I was alone at my house, my mother at the market, and my father on a mission when Neji bursts through the door. I stood up in surprise and concern, the Hyuga not looking very happy. He wasted no time in shoving me against the wall, his mouth on mine. This wasn't an uncommon thing, Neji always letting steam off by intense makeout sessions. This time was different though.

Neji scurried to his knees, the sight always sending lust through my entire body. Neji's given me blowjobs on multiple occasions before then and I've even stretched him out a few times. I could tell he wanted more this time. He never got past two fingers before then yet he was practically begging to be filled with more. It was the loss of virginity for both of us but I think Neji enjoyed it more. It felt really good but I was more interested in the sounds Neji made than the actual pleasure for me. I guess I was still nervous about Neji realizing he could do better and leave me or realize that he didn't actually like boys. I wanted to prove that I could be all he ever needed.

Neji was so tight and all of me just wanted to push deep and hard but even as a virgin, I wasn't completely clueless. I knew he needed time to adjust but apparently, Neji didn't. He practically clawed my skin off as he begged me to move. All my prior tips quickly went out the window at the pleading because I know for a fact I almost tore Neji open that night. I felt bad about it later.

Neji withered under me, squirming and shaking. At first, I thought he might have wanted to get away but I knew if that was the case, he could have easily pushed me off. Every little jolt or noise made me anxious during the whole ordeal. I never felt so anxious in my life as I did when I was inside Neji. It took a few more times before I was completely comfortable inside him and he was okay with that. After the first time, he let me take my time and tried his best to calm my nerves, even though he was the one being stretched wide. It always amused me but that was just the person Neji was. He even spent the majority of the time on top, cracking jokes about how he knows how lazy I am. I knew Neji also liked being in control and that's why he liked the position. I never teased him about it, just allowed him to do whatever he wanted. I wasn't going to complain when it meant I could lay back and let him do most of the work. Of course, we didn't come to those conclusions until after we both got comfortable enough with the idea of sex.

After we were comfortable, that's when things really popped off. Every time we saw each other, I ended up inside of him. Neji was a needy lover and he always seemed horny. It really surprised me because I always pictured him to be vanilla and sort of a prude. I was never happier to be wrong.

Neji was like an enigma in bed. We always talked about how our flings were secretive yet he constantly left bruises and bitemarks in places that I couldn't cover-up. It's like he wanted people to know that I was at least sleeping with someone. It's not like any girls flirted with me anyways. Girls were such a drag. I probably should have seen that I liked boys since I was younger. All the signs and clues were there but it wasn't until I started to get to know Neji that it actually clicked in my brain. I never felt for another boy like I had for Neji though. Neji was one of a kind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so short oof


	9. Chapter 9

I knew I had feelings for Neji from the start but it wasn't until four months after we had our first conversation that I really sat down and thought about it. Well, technically I didn't sit down to think specifically about it. I was already sitting down to braid Neji's hair, something that I found I loved to do. It was so rare to see Neji without his signature look and I craved for it constantly. Seeing him in braids or buns made my heart flutter. 

As I laced his hair around, it made me think about life with Neji. Not just our current lives, hiding and going behind other's backs, but life in general. Coming out of the closet and spending the rest of my life with him. Getting married and maybe adopting children. I wasn't sure just how much, but I knew he had at least some feelings for me. It couldn't have just been sex that he wanted. We spent so much time together that wasn't even sexual. At that moment, I was braiding his hair. He's been at my house for hours and the closest thing to touching we had was holding hands during a movie. 

Neji made me want to do a somersault on concrete but in a good way. He made me completely abandon all my prior thoughts and ideas about romance and relationships. I wanted to go out in public with Neji and hold hands and kiss and I now know how Naruto and Kiba and all of them felt. It definitely scared me a bit but it was also exciting. I finally felt like a normal teenager. I thought about all the ways to come out at least a dozen times but I never wanted to until Neji was ready. I was scared that if I came out, people would notice that I hang around Neji too much and might make the correct assumptions. I didn't want to out Neji. He meant so much to me and I really cared for him. I wanted to marry him. I knew it was pushing the limit, especially considering the fact we were still calling each other fuck buddies at that time. 

"What are you thinking about?" Neji asked and it made me almost jump out of my skin. I remember lying to him and him calling me out on my bluff. I never could lie to Neji. 

"It's not _nothing, _Shikamaru. You're crying." Neji stated and I wanted to curse at him and his stupid byakugan. I wasn't even aware I was crying. I just laid my head against Neji's back, the other boy thankfully dropping the subject. I couldn't tell him what I was really thinking about. I didn't want him to know I broke the one rule of fuck buddies. I caught feelings and fast.__


	10. Chapter 10

Half a year of _Neji and I _had passed and we still weren't categorizing what we were. It hurt me a little, especially considering the fact that Neji never even wanted to talk about it. He always changed the subject every time I brought it up. I could tell it was because he was even more scared than me when it came to feelings. He didn't like to talk about them at all, whether love, anger, or sadness. He rarely talked about them and I often wondered if he even had any thoughts about them. Neji had only ever deeply opened up to me once. I made the mistake of joking about how I never see him with any girls, implying that he gets no attention. I knew it wasn't true, the boy was way too pretty for girls to ignore. He went on this long emotional rant about how he can't just get close to everyone because he doesn't know who he can and can't trust after what happened with his father. I wasn't too sure what happened but I wasn't going to push it. At least not then. I did end up asking my own father about it though, who was more than willing to educate me. I held Neji extra close the next time I saw him, no doubt he knew I asked someone.__

__The rant made me almost sick to my stomach. Neji thinks he can't get too close to just anyone and yet he's calm and cool around me. It was a small implication that he trusted me and it made me warm inside. I wanted to throw up._ _

__Neji opened up to me on one other occasion but it wasn't deep. It was something though and I wasn't going to complain. It was supposed to change the course of our relationship. On our six month _anniversary _of whatever we were, he came out. He admitted that he definitely liked boys, or at least he liked the idea and action of one being inside of him. It made my heart skip because it meant that my daydreams could actually happen now. I could come out of the closet and then Neji and I could live happily ever after.___ _

____That was the last time Neji and I spent the night together. We knew we had to go into battle in a few days but I didn't know it would be Neji's last. I wish I held him a little tighter that night._ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know these chapters are rushed but I was just trying to finish this story but I have no motivation oof


	11. Chapter 11

Neji laid there, barely breathing and I wanted to look away or speak or do something. I could only stare though. Seeing the blood fall from his mouth made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to break down and cry and yell about how unfair the world is. Why Neji? He doesn't deserve this. None of us do. 

I have to keep my composure. Even Hinata is and Neji is her damn cousin. I can't go throwing a fit now. 

"Shikamaru." It was faint and weak but I still heard it and my legs went soft. I could barely drag myself over to where Neji was leaning against the wall but I pulled through. 

I grab Neji's hand, not caring that everyone was looking at me. As terrible as it sounds, they're not important right now. Only Neji is. 

"I love you. I've loved you since a week after you introduced yourself to me. I can't die without telling you about it. I love you." Neji saying it first was gut-wrenching and heartbreaking. It felt like someone stabbed me in the stomach with knives. It was even worse now that the realization that Neji is going to die set in. It being said out loud was a real reality check.

"I love you too." My voice was quivering but Neji's half attempt at a smile makes me feel a little better. I lean over and place a kiss on Neji's forehead, the last kiss we're ever going to have. 

I lean back and watch as Neji's half-smile fades away, his eyes slowly closing as well. And just like that, he's dead. _It's over. ___

__I wish I was more open about what Neji and I had. It wasn't a dirty little secret. There was nothing dirty about our love. We were just two scared teen boys who knew this world wasn't ready to accept us for who we were._ _

__It's a terrible thing to finally realize you're in love when your soulmate is dying._ _


	12. Chapter 12

Death wasn't ever an easy thing in my life or any other Shinobi's life. I lost my sensei, my father, and my first love, in that order. Neji helped me get through the first two but I didn't have anyone to help me with the last one. Neji wasn't here anymore. It was his death that I needed support with. I couldn't close my eyes without seeing Neji sitting there dying, so helpless and weak. It was hard to remember all the good times Neji and I shared without the image of death in my mind. After Asuma's death, after my father's death, I headed straight to Neji's house and he laid with me for as long as I needed. He took care of me, cried with me, _loved _me. After Neji's death, I didn't go straight to his house. I couldn't. It took me months before I could even walk past it. Hinata invited me inside the house one day and allowed me to stay in Neji's bedroom all day, just sulking. The bed was cold and the abundance of pillows could never make up for the body heat Neji would supply me. It was different this time. Of course, it was different this time. _Neji was dead. _____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyway, I know this story started off decent but it became rushed and I'm kind of just posting this as a test because it's two things I never tried to write before which were first person and past tense. I'm probably never going to write something like this again but I didn't want to leave it unfinished but it's like 3 am so I can imagine the mess it probably came out as.


End file.
